


Because you’ve finally found an explanation

by WholockianDalek



Category: Dear Evan Hansen - Pasek & Paul/Levenson
Genre: Autism, Other, Psychology, Therapy
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-01-20
Updated: 2018-01-20
Packaged: 2019-03-07 07:07:58
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 826
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13429500
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/WholockianDalek/pseuds/WholockianDalek
Summary: Evan Hansen goes to his therapist trying to explain that he thinks he has autism. While there, he finds himself unable to say it because he would rather tell Zoe first and has a meltdown. He recovers after maybe half an hour and decides not to tell his psychologist but to tell Zoe first. I might write a second bit where he tells Zoe if anyone likes this.





	Because you’ve finally found an explanation

“Dear Evan Hansen,  
Today is going to be a good day because you’ve finally found an explanation.” 

She was reading from his letter. He was panicking: he wished he hadn’t given it to her. He shouldn’t have written it down in the first place. Her cold investigative eyes scanned over him. Crinkling slightly in confusion, her forehead showed the suspicion she had. Her thin lips pressed slightly. She was going to ask him.  
“So, what is this wonderful solution that you’ve found?” she asked. This was her job, he didn’t think she really cared. All the preconceptions and worries he had had about therapy were rushing back. No matter how much she showed that she was invested in him and worried about him, he thought it was all an act.  
He stared around the room. It was supposed to be warm and welcoming. The creamy walls could almost be smelt and the friendly notes and pictures on the wall showed how much her other patients liked her. Shaking slightly with anxiety, he tried to focus back on her. As stuttery as ever, he desperately tried to excuse himself. He had changed his mind. He wasn’t going to tell her this, not before he told Zoe. 

Zoe… With his eyes welling up with desperately held back tears, Evan wondered what his psych was thinking. She looked… anxious. Or was that sad? Or bored? Evan thought back to the little checklist in his pocket. Bullet point three: trouble understanding facial expressions. Vibrating even more than before, the syllables he was trying to pronounce turned into silence. Bullet point one: stimming; bullet point nine: going nonverbal. There was so much evidence. How had she not noticed? That was her job. Zoe would have noticed if she was a psych. Completely forgetting that his psychologist hadn’t spent every night of the past month with him and that he hadn’t told her anything private enough for her to realise, his heart filled with contempt at her blindness of his… tendencies.  
Even with his established social isolation, he didn’t want to make anything worse at school. He was the one that had made up a sob story with the dead kid. He was the one that had dated the dead kid’s sister. He was the one that had taken all their money for the dead kid’s made up dream. Who would care that he was au- au- au-?  
His lips echoed his brain. At least now something was coming out. She seemed to know what was coming, which almost made him angry. This was his discovery. No one else was going to find out before him. Although one would think that rage compelling you to say the word would help you say it, intense emotions had the opposite effect on Evan. He had gone back to being unable to make any words whatsoever and started rocking in his chair.  
It fell over. 

In a pile of wood and felt on the floor, brimming with emotion, it was all too much for him. He started curled up slightly and started rocking lightly punching his foot with one hand and biting the other screaming “Shut Up!” on loop. Bullet point five: Meltdowns.  
Well versed in dealing with overload reactions, Evan’s psychologist simply put a pillow between Evan’s hand and foot, turned out the lights to reduce sensory input and stayed as quiet as possible until he calmed down. Half an hour later, he stopped screaming. Things were alright.  
“Do you want the light on?” she whispered. He could do nothing but nod and continue to vibrate slightly. If she hadn’t noticed his symptoms before, she definitely had now. 

“What would you like to talk about?” she asked, slightly louder but still very quietly.

After a concentrated pause, Evan answered.  
“Nothing.”

Since they only had ten minutes left, she accepted nothing as a solution.  
Five minutes into nothing, Evan decided there may be more efficient ways to use this time, especially because it was costing his mom a lot of money - which they didn’t have enough of to waste. One of the things that would help him the most would be if his mom was home more often, and she would only be taking extra shifts if she kept having to pay for therapy.

“We should do something. Mom is paying for this.” He sighed.

“It's not your fault. Don't ever think this is your fault, you can't help your brain.”

Evan smiled slightly. Even though no miracles were going to happen in these sessions, things were slowly getting better. She knew what to say and with hours and hours of work they would work through some problems.  
“What was this grand reveal you wanted to tell me? Do you still want to tell me?” 

“Not today.” he said, sure of something for once. He was going to tell Zoe first. She probably wasn’t going to listen but he was going to tell her anyway.


End file.
